Date:	2007-06-05 04:37
Subject:	Fundraiser for Cystic Fibrosis (Project)
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished

Summary:

My project will be centered around the Cystic Fibrosis foundation. As there is no cure, I'm proposing a plan of running of fundraiser to help raise funds to support further research for a potential cure. Instead of selling chocolates or magazines I decided to incorporate physical activity on a wider scale than most fundraisers since Cystic Fibrosis is such a debilitating disease. This fundraiser involves physical activity including: walking, running, biking, roller-blading, horse-back riding etc on a designated route and date.
Cystic Fibrosis is a genetic disease that affects people of all ages, as one in every 3600 Canadian children are born with it. Since it is something that affects such a large group of people, I believe that there will be great public interest and participation. Because I've been personally affected by Cystic Fibrosis and have previously been involved in other fund-raising campaigns I believe I have the experience, knowledge and background research to make this an effective campaign.

Date:	2006-08-25 16:32
Subject:	I Don't Belong
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Flawed Design - Stabilo

Maybe I'm different, maybe I'm just crazy. I don't know. All I do know is that there is a deep pain inside, a loneliness. I want to be accepted. Please take me as I am! Maybe if I tried to be skinnier and prettier you'd take me? Maybe if I bought new clothes and put on more makeup you'd love me? Maybe if I pretend to be who you want me to be? Maybe if I play dumb you'll accept me? Maybe if I hurt myself, or commited suicide you'd appreciate me? What do I have to do to be granted your attention?

Perhaps this is all just me feeling sorry for myself, finding hurts where they do not belong. And yet, you still walk away. Do you realize what you're doing? Are you seeing the pain you've given me? Seven years have passed, seven years on a roller coaster. Some days you love me, the next... I'm forgotten. What about the things I said? Do you remember that you laughed and said you loved having me around? No? I didn't think so, because you forgot that I was even there. I remember because it meant the world to me. Every word you said embedded itself into my mind and I can't forget it. Perhaps I complained to much about the times you walked away. Maybe I should have just let you turn your back on me. You didn't want me, why did I make you want to include me. I know I pressured you, I know I manipulated you to feel bad for me. But that was only one of the years out of seven. One of the tricks that I tried. None have worked.

I don't get it, I don't understand! You're all I have and yet you treat me like skum! You throw me to the ground and then pick me back up. You talk to me like I'm crazy, like I don't know what you're saying! Maybe I am crazy, maybe what you've been saying is true. Maybe I've just fallen off of a cliff on insanity!!!

This is why I cut,
This is why I bleed,
This is why I hurt,
And this is why I need,
A helping hand,
An outstretched arm,
Someone who can talk,
And not so that they can harm,
My severely wounded heart.

All I can say, all I can feel is this, a pain so magnified I can scarcely breathe. I ache, I hurt, my body is thrumming with the strokes of each and every wave of pain.
There's too much hate, too much pain, too little peace. Why can't things be made right? Why can't people see the good in you? Why can't things go right? And why hasn't God helped me?
If I believed in Karma I can easily say I must have done some pretty nasty things in a previous life. But I don't, so I can't.

God help me!! God, please save me! I need peace, I need release, I need help!! Your help!!

Daily, the only word that courses my brain is the word pain. I eats at me, the only thing that goes through. I want to lay down and die, slipping away with gasping breaths. Please, oh please just let me die! I want to die, so I don't have to feel this anymore. It hurts so much.
My heart is breaking with every minute, shattering with every new day. I can't continue to use the scotch tape. It doesn't hold.
Nothing works, nothing has helped. God where are you? Take this pain from me!!!! I can't bear it on my own!!!

Date:	2006-05-23 09:34
Subject:	Leaving home.
Security:	Public
Mood:	aggravated
Music:	On My Own - Hedley

Have you ever just thought of throwing it all away? Tossing it to the wind? Everyday I wonder if this is the day that I'm just going to up and leave. You never want to leave, to step out of your comfort zone and out of the home where you grew up. But I have to. And I am.
I'm leaving it all behind, securing a place for my horse and then moving on. This will be a new experience for me, and will be quite difficult but I'm up to doing it. I have no money and no job, but I might be getting a job within the week which will help with some things.
Quitting school will be the hardest as I only have one year left. Either way, I can't stand being here any longer. It would be impossible for me to stay unless things are made right. But, at this point, I have no hope in the matter. At all.

As it stands, if things are not resolved then I am leaving. For good.

Date:	2006-05-12 20:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	You and Me - Lifehouse

Your Candy Heart Says "Get Real"

You're a bit of a cynic when it comes to love. You don't lose your head, and hardly anyone penetrates your heart. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: is all about the person you're seeing (with no mentions of v-day!) Your flirting style: honest and even slightly sarcastic What turns you off: romantic expectations and "greeting card" holidays Why you're hot: you don't just play hard to get - you are hard to get

Date:	2006-05-08 14:20
Subject:	There's a Cold Wind Blowing....
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	Kill the Messenger - Jack's Mannequin

Life moves swiftly and without thought of whom it pulls along. Times are good, then times are bad. Unfortunately for me, bad times come more often than the good. I'm not sure why, I don't know how. Is it because I did something so wrong that it condemns me to a life of hell? I don't know.

This new wave of unfortunate circumstances brings betrayal and loss, a breaking of trust and hope. To lose someone that you cared the world for, that you'd die for so that they could be happy, a person you served everyday and felt such kinship with is almost enough to drop you to your knees. Losing a friend is part of life, losing someone who was bound to you by oath is enough to sink you.

I miss her, I want her back. Why? Because I put everything into that friendship and the hate in her eyes was too much to bear. I felt a part of myself die in that moment when the words left her lips, "I hate you." To see her dismiss an oath that she uttered by death. I keep my promises sacred. I keep them to the death, and with all of my being.
I hate people who make a promise and break it, you swear an oath and turn their back on it. It hurts, it bleeds. I just want to die away right now, I want to be by myself. I cried you know, I cried that whole day. Me, a person who hates emotions, who refused to cry more than once when her very best friends died. But this is different. She didn't die, I still see her everyday, see her hate filled glare when her eyes turn to me. It hurts, more than a death ever will. I miss them, but I miss her more. God help me! God fix this pain!
Every night I dream about a solution, that she tells me why she hates me, tells me what I did to deserve this. That our friendship is rectified and that everything is alright. And then I wake up, and the situation is the same. It's too cruel to go through, every night I'm reminded of the problem and it hurts even more every morning. Perhaps I am being overly dramatic but the pain is too much, I want to go back in time.

But that is only one of the problems. God help me, please help me! My health is deteriorating along with my spirits. I'm so tired. Again. My allergies are also getting fairly bad. Which was proven when I'm around my boyfriend's father who smokes. I have one point of advice, never and I mean NEVER try to counter one allergy with another. It does not work! I tried to counter my allergy to cigarette smoke with ice cream to take down the swelling, well... the fat in the milk in the ice cream caused the swelling to go down, for 5 seconds then WHOOMPF, my throat expanded. Seriously! So never, ever try that! It got me pretty sick for awhile.

You know, a lot of my problems could be just my stupidity. I do quite a few really stupid things and make some really stupid decisions. In that case, God, please grant me some wisdom!!

Date:	2006-04-24 11:11
Subject:	Letting things be...
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed

What should you let by and what should you stop? That line is ever changing and never stands firm. It fluctuates with maturity, and changes with age. Life should be full of steady borders, and rules to live by. Without them we will all fall away, unable to stand firm with nothing firm underneath us.

I'd like to make up my mind, to never change it for another. These things bind me up and toss me away so that I struggle with my decision. Slowly we make progress, ever so slowly, but there is still progress. Others begin to see your views, but the contradiction still stands. Every time you moved from that original decision they hold it over your head and use it to keep you from returning.

God help me keep strong, to hold firm to my oaths and promises. I've broken so many of them, I've thrown away so much. Today I struggle on, and perhaps again tomorrow but life keeps revolving and it will never wait for me. I have to keep on running and fighting for my stand. I can't just let things go for if I do then it will only result in my getting run over. And personally, that is not an appealing thought. I want to succeed and move on with my life but at the moment I'm rather at another impasse.

I move on, I always do. I don't just sit here for ever. Things just keep happening, unfortunately in my general area. And while lately my focus has been on myself this next while I don't even want to think about myself but only of those who need my attention, who don't include the views about me. Then maybe, my views on life may get better. At least, that's my hope. Either way, my life will get a whole lot better. Possibly.

Date:	2006-04-24 10:41
Subject:	A Time Not Well Wasted
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	What Hurts the Most - Rascal Flatts

Times have changed and moved on, sweeping me with them. I've found that my time is not truly my own anymore nor is it available for me to spend as I wish. But perhaps that comes with age.

Today is my 17th birthday and while that can be an exciting time to go into I can't say that I look ahead with much enthusiasm. Things are not truly on the up and up which does not give much incentive to truly be excited.

The last while has been hectic and filled with many more trials and problems. Poetry has been flowing because of it but I can't say that I'm glad. It's nice to have the muse to write something, but I'd rather have none and not have to worry about anything. Some of the problems, yes, are of my own making. But others happen by design of others, or perhaps the design of nature, either way, my life is in complete chaos. A rather controlled chaos, but chaos nonetheless.

Have you just sat back and wondered where things were headed? Why you did some of the stupid things that haunt you from the past? You wonder why or how you were that stupid, or just what was going through your head when you were that immature. Standing here, I wonder about a lot of things, and sometimes I wish that situations weren't the way they were because of the outcome. A rewind button would be the best gift anyone could ever give me for my birthday. I would be their slave for life!
But while some of your mistakes may be quite a ways away, sometimes they could have happened yesterday, or a week ago. Those are the hardest to deal with as they are still fresh in your mind and in others minds. You can't move on yet and you still have to deal with them.

Recently mistakes haven't been as frequent as before, but still happening all the same. I want to be able to move on, like you should be able to, and start over. I want to forgive myself but others can't. There are mistakes made and lies told and those are the ones that I struggle with. The lies. Everything that I ever told someone that wasn't true still haunts me. Some things were truth, or something to hide a truth that wasn't to be found out. My immaturity hid them, and while those happened a long time ago, they forced my hand into mistakes made today. I want to reveal what I've hidden for so long, but I can't. It can never be revealed to the public eye, can never be told to those who care about me. Things would never be the same.

My advice to all of those who would ever read this, keep the truth out in the open. Hold no secrets and tell no lies. There is only heart-ache and pain if you do.

Date:	2006-03-06 23:50
Subject:	Grief
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated
Music:	Move Along - All American Rejects

I hurt, I ache, I bleed. Tonight as I sit here I can't think of anything more to say. My heart has been shattered, and the pieces scattered to far away places. I will never be able to put it all back together. It is an impossible task that will never follow through. Even if the pieces are placed before me I cannot see how I will ever find the right glue to make them stick.
Hope is so fleeting. It's there for but a moment and disappears even more quickly. It never stays to follow through, never lets you win. I always leave the loser. For once I want something to go right, to have something that I so dearly want to happen and actually work. When I had hope in a situation that hope has always seem misguided because it never works on. It sounds like I'm victimizing myself, but at the moment all I want to do is to curl up and die away. I have no hope in the future. Nothing has ever gone right for me and I doubt it ever will. Even if I decided to work hard I see no opportunity out of it.
God seems to have forgotten me. While I know that isn't true, He feels so far away. Just watching as I sit here screaming. I want to go back to Him, to feel his loving touch, but my heart isn't ready. It cannot go back until a part of it is so broken and numb from the pain that I have no where else to turn. While others see my problem as trivial and my parents as just another small thing to get through, I know He understands the weight of it all. It hurts and I cannot just pick up and keep going like nothing happened. School is almost impossible to focus on, not because I don't want to, but because I just can't. My mind is numb and far away. Lost in a place of recovery.
A part of me has died. A part of my mind has worn away. It isn't there anymore and no matter how much I may search for it I will never find it. It's gone and I will be mourning it along with the foal, Chris, and the my mare who has also retreated. I've gone with her, only we've separated different ways in the haze. I can't see her and she can't see me. We just look through blinded eyes, not seeing the pain we're causing everyone else.
I want to be strong, to move away from it all. When people tell you to keep moving and focus on other things they don't realize the crippling pain. You cannot do anything until you can move beyond that. And at this point I cannot move beyond it just yet. I'm not reveling in it. I'm not trying to play the victim. I need to heal before I can move on. This isn't the first time I've been in pain, this isn't the first time I've gone through this pain. I know how to handle it, how to move on, and this is what I do. I write it out, I talk it out until I'm too numb to feel it anymore. It's then that I can accept healing and love and acceptance. Words are meaningless. Advice has no base. You cannot understand unless you are going through this with me.
I denied God and his presence hurts me with every passing minute. The coincidences hurt more than the circumstance and in that my pain lies. It rolls with anger, betrayal and frustration. I don't know what to believe anymore. I know that there is a God who listens, understands, provides, but where is he when I need him? When my life is upside down and a mess. Nothing is going right, nothing ever has, and I'm not expecting for it to now.

Date:	2006-02-28 09:38
Subject:	Feigning Bliss
Security:	Public
Mood:	refreshed and sad.

I was driven blindly, swept away by unbidden emotions into what is now a whirlpool of despair. Pain runs rampant in my head, my heart and throughout my being. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do.

I've caught myself up in this, trying to find a way. I wanted to keep things going, to say that we made it through it all. But it's hard when you know they don't feel the same. When their words speak of different thoughts, and different beliefs.

I believe in an almighty God, and from there my oath stands. I promised my purity, my love and devotion. I gave my will, my decisions and my future all to Him and if that cannot be understood then nothing ever will be comprehended. I want to share the same beliefs. I want to be able to discuss things on an in-depth level. To have that camaraderie and understanding. It says within the Word that you should not be unequally yoked. But at the same time it says to love unconditionally. Can I love and yet be torn by beliefs? Can I expect for one who does not share the same to act like one of us? He has the potential, but can he decide it on his own? I don't want someone to take up this relationship for me. I want them to take it for themselves, for God. For who they will be in a relationship with God. I've seen the profits, the outcome of blessing. I've seen hardship but it wasn't without a hand outstretched from God then I wouldn't have made it out alive.

I want others to see that. To understand God's love. But that's not what this entry is about. Today I write about my feelings, about the disaster I'm going through. All through this I feign being happy, enjoying myself around my friends but inside I'm dieing from this. God is helping me but at times I feel like he's not giving me a clear enough answer. This is the closest I've felt to Him and perhaps it is at the right moment. I'm young, and foolish which is why I must rely on God and in this situation he is the only one reliable enough to lean on and help me through. He is the only one ultimately who knows what the right decision for me would be. And ultimately, He is the only one who has my trust.

Trying to explain how much God means to you is like explaining how far the universe goes and how many stars are in the sky. He means more than any living human being. More than any animal, because it was from Him that I was blessed with human relationships and the greatest relationship with my horse. As corny as that may sound, and as much as I love and would die for my horse I would rather die for Christ. But all-in-all I would rather live for him which is why this situation has come up. It is only recently that I have pulled my boundaries short, it is only now that I've realized that I can't compromise my standards. I stand accountable to God and to stand in that position is to be responsible for everything that I do. I am growing older, and with that age I must also find maturity to do the right thing. Even if it brings such excruciating pain. And in this case, it really does. Emotionally it's ravaged me, but at the same time I feel a peace. There's pressure from all sides to get rid of someone I love but I can't. I was called to love and with that calling I will still love no matter what happens. I won't put myself in situations where I will be destroyed, my faith is strong enough not to back down. Compromise for my faith is not an option. Never will be. I have compromised before but that will never happen again. It wounded me. All of it destroyed me and I cannot do that again.

I swear again today, before any one who reads this that I will stay pure before God. That I will not back down from my faith in any circumstance no matter what the cost. Even if my live is on the line I will never deny my love for God. He ultimately means more to me than life itself and I would rather die and be with Him then live an existence here on earth filled with pain and suffering. To those who cannot understand what I speak of I leave this. It is something that I cannot personally posses. It is a love without conditions and stands beyond reason and it has all been proven to me over the years. Through many situations where reason and logic were denied. I pray that someday you will experience what I have gone through, or perhaps to come to the realization without the pain. May God's hounds hunt you down, because this life is ultimately better than any you could ever imagine!

Date:	2006-02-01 20:32
Subject:	The Feeling of Obscured Rejection
Security:	Public
Mood:	pensive
Music:	This is How You Remind Me - Nickleback

Have you ever felt when you look into someones eyes that they don't love you anymore, or that the attraction is gone? You head and heart swell with the betrayal while everything weighs whether it's serious or just a passing phase. Everyday I'm struggling with that, wondering if I'm truly putting my time in for the right reasons. If there will be some product to all of my effort. I want to feel loved back, to feel that affection. To know it's real.

You constantly get mixed signals, whether it's over analyzing or just plain stupidity. I don't know anymore. I just want to curl up and be a kid again! Which brings up the trust issue again! Can I really trust?

It's been years, literal years since I've been able to fully trust someone and here I am waiting until the right moment to put all of myself into a relationship. I want to. I really do. My heart aches for it, my mind shuns it. But then again, my mind has hated anyone who even tries to get close to me. I've gotten into the habit of shoving people away and here I am, pulling someone in. Or at least, trying to.

I don't know if my heart can take this any longer, but I know that I can. My heart is so fragile, so raw. It was only just not long ago that it thawed and was broken free of it's stone encasing. I wish I could just protect it with a bullet-proof case, but as I've always known, with love comes heart break. Whether you break up or not. There will always be conflict, always a point where your heart feels like it's falling apart. It's like one of my favourite avatars that reads, "Dear Heart, Today I met a boy. Prepare to Shatter." I haven't used it yet, but it still remains my favourite because it expresses words that I've uttered to myself. Something I've been steeling myself for. But should I be? Is that hindering our relationship? Is my wincing before an unseen blow stopping me from any progress?

I want to put everything into this. Everything, well almost everything. My main concern is our boundaries. Where we put our emphasis. I want to keep myself next to pure, I want to make the right decisions. Not just for myself, which is important enough but for the fact that so many are looking up to me. Whether they are older or younger I have so many faces watching my every move. I don't want to ruin their trust, to lose their respect. It just makes it so hard knowing that we want two different things and expect two different things. We respond to situations differently and react differently and want different things. We both have different love languages which I will go into later. But at the same time we are so much the same. That's the main reason I'm so attracted. Similarities and the adrenaline that's pushing me forward and pulling me back.

What worries me is that I'm pushing him away, with my past, my mistakes, who I am. My personality can be very overwhelming at times, I know that. It drowns me out sometimes with the power of some of my moods. I am not a moody person but I go through shifts of mind sets I guess you could say. Where I see from a different perspectives every time. I just don't want to push him away. Maybe I should have just hidden parts of my personality? Kept them to myself until later, until we were strong enough for him to stay no matter.

I've always done so many things differently. This is all so new. If only it could be like it used to be. Easy to predict. Easy to understand. Totally within my grasp. Before I could control every movement, now I feel so lost. So out of control. But when I think about it, that's actually a good thing.

I just hope he sees who I've become, not who I was.

Date:	2006-01-31 14:18
Subject:	Pain of Another
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb
Music:	Saturday - Hedley

How are you supposed to feel when someone you love is going through excruciating pain? When your heart is tied with theirs and every time they break you shatter. I want to just be there, to fix everything. But I can't, I'm only human.

I made an oath, something so sacred that I don't dare break it. She may push me away but she swore that oath too. I can't abandon her, especially while she's hurting. I can feel her anger, her hatred and all of the pain. Her eyes are hollow, but even behind that stirs something. It's something deep and it's something beyond my comprehension. Whatever it is, it's beginning to build and build quickly.

Do you ever hide your emotions with a smile? Cover your tears with a laugh? When I experience pain I either laugh or giggle uncontrollably. Does that apply to emotional pain too? Rather then breaking down in tears a smile breaks on your lips while internally you bleed to death. I know I've done it. I do it everyday. But how long can it last? How long can you paint a smile on lips that don't have the ability that have never truly felt the joy to transform them. Instead it's shallow and lifeless in the eyes that glitter with an artificial sheen.

Revenge may be sweet but it's never the right answer. I have to admit, revenge was my most prized ability. I could extract it with meticulous care. I still could if I wished but I've found that with revenge comes bitterness. Not acutely, but it creeps up on you in other forms leaving an uneasy feeling in your stomach. Fear, anger, restlessness are not foreign in any possible way and tend to be good companions. For a moment anyways. All of those tear you apart from the inside like a cancer. Revenge never helps. It just hurts others and there's no healing. From experience, forgiveness is the best way to go. Forgiving yourself and those around you. If you can forgive yourself you can move on and improve yourself. Without passing that you really can't truly succeed. Which I find sad, because leaves all the more lost potential.

Date:	2006-01-30 10:24
Subject:	Past to Present.
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay

Looking in retrospective you realize all of the things you did wrong, but you also see everything you've done right. I have made so many mistakes, at age 16 I can't even believe all of the stupid things I've done mentally and psychologically. Physically... that doesn't even matter. I messed up my own head and screwed with everyone else's.

At times you can just look back and see the one point where everything fell apart. For me, that moment came at an early age. By the time I was 9 all of the ideals that I had built up over the years were crumbling. Losing a best friend doesn't help any situation, especially if a vision is associated with that death, a vision originally associated with her life. From that point on I lost my balance. I struggled to find truth and to pinpoint a way that would keep me on the right track. I hated people, hated everything about them. They were all such hypocrites, but while I'll hated everything about them I, without realizing it, joined their ranks.

I hate the decisions I made! The events I had decided to partake in. So many of my ideals were flawed! So many, delusional and lost. I was lost, completely lost and confused. Just a kid stuck in an adult world with adult rules. I was already dabbling in that world at an early age trying to find my truth. What I believed in.

What really adds to my pain of looking back is the fact that what I believed in the beginning was the basis of truth, the foundation of what I believe now. The only difference is that the foundation that I've built at this point was built by my own hands. Built by years of research and information, trying to find what's right.

I've finally made my changes, made myself into a part of the person that I want to be. I've finally made my goals. After many problems, turmoil and conflict I reached the point I've wished for since the day that I turned around and lost all progress. Now I can look ahead, aim higher and feel some happiness at my success. It's exhilarating to think of what's ahead, and frightening at the same time because now I am accountable. I am going to be held for what I know, for what I do. Nothing like the days behind, my days in the future are filled with adventure and turmoil.

Date:	2006-01-30 10:18
Subject:	Empathy
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

With every throbbing rush of blood your tenses, a nauseous feeling filling your gut. I am in such incredible pain! All because of an injury that no one can place. It's so frustrating, to want to do so much but being able to do so little.

As exams come up with rapid speed I just feel so overwhelmed. I can't study properly or even get my homework done. How am I even going to write my exams? Just writing a small test or assignment I get frustrated and angry. I want to sit in a corner and just feel sorry for myself but this brought to mind what some people go through, and what will never be fixed.

At this point, for myself, my right wrist could possibly have a chance of recovery. Giving me someday full use of it again. But what do the people do that have fully lost limbs or their strongest hand? If I had lost this hand I would be completely put-out. I would have so many more problems. I would never be able to do what I love. What do they go through? What do they hold on to, to keep going when things get rough? How do they cope with the feelings of betrayal, anger and frustration? I just want my hand back, and I will get it back. Just the thought of never getting it back is a stunning blow in and of itself. Life can never be the same. Their left hand would have to become the strongest, which is a daunting task. Writing for me, after a week is still very difficult. I barely know how to hold the pen in my left hand let alone write legibly. The only way I can write is on the computer but even that leaves my right hand weak and throbbing with the pain.

Having a few friends who have lost limbs, I think I can finally understand a part of what they went through and still go through. It's frustrating. You hate yourself but you don't want to sit here in the same place moping about it. While some do, I have to admire those who step up and out and make something of themselves despite the difficulty. While for me this isn't permanent it's a sour reminder of what others go through and that in reality, I have it good. Now, I'm just going to find a way to suffer through exams without complaining...

Date:	2006-01-26 12:17
Subject:	Human Touch
Security:	Public
Mood:	indescribable
Music:	Trip - Hedley

Most of us through our lives have touched. If you haven't... you must be very socially unequipped. As humans we require touch and feeling to be accepted. As infants our mothers hold us and talk to us, breathing into us the love that we all need. Without that touch we are left disconnected and unsure. But what if, as an infant you reject that touch. You deny your mother of letting her give you those precious touches.

As a baby, I would scream if my mother came near me. I wouldn't stop until my father came and took me out of her arms. Growing up I was never fond of being touched, whether it was a hug or just a hand on my arm. I would freeze, unsure of how to respond to their affection. As the years have gone by, and after those years of conditioning with touchy friends I've become accustomed to touch and hugs. It was difficult, but I got there and now I'm being asked to go a step further.

The one person who I'm attracted to is asking for something beyond what I've been capable to give before. How can one even begin to show physical affection if they don't know how to receive it? I've never given nor properly received any of it. My body is unconditioned and I have 1-2 days to get used to it. My reactions are going to be unknown as the situation is still unknown to me. I have never explored this area and I had never intended to. After it all I have to wonder if I'm actually even ready for it.

As the minutes pass, my body is tensing with the idea of it. I can't even comprehend how humans can enjoy going face to face, lip to lip. To be held in someone's arms is enough for me, anything else and it drives my mind in circles. I just hope that I won't scare him away...

Date:	2006-01-25 09:33
Subject:	Range of Feelings
Security:	Public
Mood:	frustrated

With everything comes a range of varying options, at times they can appear all at the same moment. Can the same be said for your emotions? Can you feel a lack determination, a surge of passion, frustration, love, and anger all at the same moment?

Today is just one of those days. At this moment I am becoming frustrated at my lack of use in my right wrist making this very slow going and painstaking. I feel no desire to work, to catch up but yet in other areas and projects I want to succeed and grow and enjoy myself. I can't help but feel a kind of love toward someone in my life but I am angry at myself for doing so. How can so many emotions flow from one spirit? It's confusing and makes everything much more frustrating. I want to feel just one thing today and that's peace. No matter what happens, I want to find peace.

Date:	2006-01-25 02:20
Subject:	My Future
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Who I am Hates Who I've Been - Relient K

Have you ever wondered what the future holds? Where you'll be? Everyday I sit here and wonder who I am and who I will become. And everyday I leave without a complete answer. Every venture I've chased I either lose interest or just doesn't seem to be. Whether lack of motivation or discipline I would like to find something that I can stay with the rest of my life and feel content doing.

Everyone is called to something. There is a potential residing in each of us to do amazing things and yet so many of us choose not to even tap into it let alone even try to find what it is. We, as humans choose the path of lease resistance and that most of the time leads us away from our calling. Or our personal dream. If you ever have the chance the book "The Alchemist," by Paul Coelho holds some interesting ideas on people's dreams in life. It has brought me to look a bit closer and what I want to do. I cannot sit still, I cannot stay in one place. I need to move, to grow and be stimulated by my work. I have considered many ventures. All of them calling me in different ways. As time goes on perhaps I will find what it is that I will do in life.

What pains me is seeing someone who could do so much but is doing so little. Intelligence, talent and skills are all going to waste. Never fully being gleaned to their full potential. What if society was run in such a way that you were chosen and trained at a young age to focus on a certain area, your career for your life. Your personal dream. Why would you need to be forced to do it if you loved it? The economy, in theory, would be more balanced with everyone coming together to work and keep things moving in an orderly fashion. If you enjoy what you do you do it with an excitement. It's keeping that excitement that is the key. Passion is always the key. Keeping the passion is so important. No matter how dull, how lifeless things get passion needs to be there. You need to look at things and tell yourself that you love being here. You love what you do. That no matter what happens you'll make the best of it and that you'll do it with the best of your ability. For myself that would include looking at Stoichiometry and telling myself that I enjoy it. Which, now after 2 weeks of telling myself that, I do. I honestly enjoy learning and working with Stoichiometry. Now testing might be a bit different subject but I kept that passion.

Life without passion is so dead. Depression can sink in among other mental ailments. I cannot imagine a world without colour. But that's what happens when people forget to live for the moment, forget to work with all of their beings. To put everything in, and leave everything behind. And with all of that in mind I want to find an area that I can put all of myself in. All of my passion. I want to find something that pumps me full of adrenaline and stimulates my mind making me thirsty and addicted to come back for me. I want to make discoveries, to find new things. And yet, I don't have the opportunities now. Someday I'll find my place and when I do, the world better watch out. I'm coming.

Date:	2006-01-25 01:45
Subject:	Hidden Emotions..
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless
Music:	Hanging by a Moment - Lifehouse

With everything you go through day to day it's hard to pin-point when things change. All of my life I've been focused to be an independent person, free of others opinions and ideals that they had for how I should run things. You see others as people to grow with, as friends, confidants and peers. But even then, I could never see myself in the sways of emotions. I've been void of these things.

What is emotion? Is it a chemical change in the brain that causes us to react in a specific way from certain stimuli. At this point, I really don't care. I feel again. It's been awhile coming but it's here. I can look at someone and just, wow, they mean a lot to me. I'd die for him. Would you consider that hormones? I can't. For it to be my hormones finally kicking in I would have to be physically attracted to him, and at this point... I don't know if I am. But yet my mind, and my heart, want to be with him. Talking with him for hours on end. He's something special to me. While I know that I am physically attracted to him, things still go up in confusion. I don't really know how to define attraction, or what necessarily I'm attracted to. Perhaps someday I'll find out.

While this is happening it throws my mind into an arena it has never seen. I've never fought an emotional combat, never looked someone in the eye and wondered if I'd really want to spend the rest of my life with them. My brain is telling me mixed signals. Half screams to run, the other half tells me to stay. I need to wait it out, see who he becomes. I don't want my heart broken. I want to be able to feel the blood course through with vigor and passion.

He is not my life-line, nor is he my strength. But daily I find myself wanting to be with him. Wishing the time away until I can. But what if it's all just a lie, something my mind has conjured up in it's sudden change. My heart is raw, but not bleeding. Someone who loves me. Someone who actually cares has come around and yet... I don't know if I can give it all away. They ask for my mind, I cannot give it. Not yet. They ask for my heart, all I want is to keep it. It's mine, my newly acquired possession. It is not without it's scars, it's emotional battles. But of this kind it is void of experience. Should I give it to him? Is he even deserving of such a thing?

I've waited for the perfect partner and one seems to have come. Even then, at this point it is only the appearance of being perfect. Is he intellectually able to keep up with me? Will he be able to follow my dreams, my passions in life? I want to know. I want to know before he fully owns what I call my heart. He already has his claws sunk into it. While I cannot charge forward, I can't back out. He's holding me here and fully aware of it.

As a few have said, I've been tamed. Like a wild animal under the hands of an able, gentle human. My independent spirit has partially fled, leaving me ready to submit and join with the person who devoted their time to take the wildness out of me. How he has accomplished this I will never know. All I do know is that he holds me. He's got my attention and my mind held down. And for now he's got that control, but only God knows if that will change. Perhaps it will, perhaps it won't.